I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

Three statements, three personal ways of life, three reasons.

as i look in my life ad into others its simple to see that there will always be a level judgement, opinion, rumors, etc. basically there will always be issues amongst friends and strangers that deals with one person believing something about the other. As a blunt example; on person being straight but his friend believing him to be gay, its a distant example but it is the point i'm stressing. My mind i personally believe to not be like most men i know. i believe everyones is vastly different, and mine happens to work in a way that has deep emotional thought always on the table. i am an expert with masking true thoughts and emotions, i am an expert liar. I've found that if i hide certain emotions will remain safe from otherwise inevitable pain. and through this life choice i have made, i have made the two decisions above; i choose not to believe and to be alone. i have chosen not to believe in the complete trust of others (there are SOME people i do confide in, but the number is smaller than it used to be). also i have chosen not to believe in the statements made by others in my life pertaining to me. not as a whole, but as a few small areas. enjoy life to the fullest most of the time, i love to the fullest at all times, and i am far more knowledgeable in life than people have come to realize. you see when you don't stress your knowledge and act like you have a lack of it, simple because than people don't care if you do poorly in class. they will only believe you to be a fool. if you live life even differently then they do they tend to consider that a very strange and more importantly wrong thing to do.

all this rambling leads to a very important realization to my life. I know who i am and what i am capable of. i know the greatness i will achieve in my life and in the Lord. I know that i will make the people around me proud to be called my friend, as i will be proud to stand upon their shoulders. because of all this i will shed the wait of others and their words that hinder me. i am not perfect and i am not finished learning/growing. but i am finished being labeled as "less-than" and finished being considered inept. for those who see my life as unorthodox i will no longer be hurt by your words of discouragement. instead i will welcome the criticism as a compliment, as knowledge of the difference in living i have taken on. how can we expect to reach the mountain top when there is a line of people all progressing the same way up the hill. i will forge my way to the top through the difference you call "me."

even though i've slowly found a way off my original topic i've found that another has come up from it. i want people to realize the importance to accept people and their alternative ways of living...... BUT!!! don't go taking my words to accept foolish actions of sin and false gods. i mean alternate ways of living; personalities, thought processes, etc.

My father forged his own path and now has people following his path. he casts a shadow that is tall, dark, and dreary. but as proof of my promise i say here. i will forge a path worth of what i call greatness and of God's plans for me. i will show him what he has raised and that i have more within me than realized by others. My grandma saw it, and i believe my dads acknowledges it.... despite his hidden words on the subject.

Time to drop the yuck onto paper and move on to a positive perspective

Take a moment to look through your past and the friends you've had through the years. can you genuinely think of ONE person that you enjoyed being with when all they did was be negative and depressed?? no one is lifted up by someone who is always down, simply does not work that way. which is why this is my last post on the rough aspects of life, i'm laying it out to forget about it. from then on i'll be writing from a different type of view, it'll be beneficial to me to do so.

i've been thinking for close to a half a year now how to mend the broken friendships of a life. fix what was so broken that it has yet to be fixed. my friends are the people i hold most dear to my heart and when a friendship is lost.... i become lost, very simple to understand. in life is it best to fix any and all relationships despite their natural value to us?? or is there times that we need to move on from our past and accept that not everyone can potentially co-exist in friendships or relationships. these questions will hit me each time i see a person that has been lost form my daily life. if i was the final decision maker in the scenario i wouldn't let a friendship that was once so valuable to be lost so easily. but in the end i've come to the conclusion that i will always be in control of my feelings, emotions, actions, etc.... but there will never be a moment in my God given life that i will control these things in another person. with this knowledge i must move on from the past, and drive myself into a new future, new relationships are to be made, new memories to be created.

Time and time again we see relationships come and go, time and time again we see people become involved with flings. now there is no saying that relationships are bad or sinful, that i could just never say. but what of flings, what about the people who engage in a physical relationship without the emotional connection that is given through a dating relationship. are they wrong to do so, or is there a deeper reason for actions such as these. i have a viewpoint on it, as usual. is it possible that although the flings are unhealthy and complicated, that they still have their place in a persons life. that there are still reasons for why i person would do this besides getting "some." I argue that a person does not get involved in flings because of the physical gratification (a majority, but some certain just want "play"). i believe that when a person feels down and lost with the emotional dating relationships that they will change into a fling type lifestyle. its simple really, you gain the emotion of feeling wanted and cared for, that you matter and have something to offer other people in your life and the opposite sex. it is a solution to fulfilling a lack of these feelings offered from a relationship.

but those are the positive aspects, there's negatives to these such acts. the positive emotions gained are short lived, they last about as long as a smoking addict without a cigaret fix. during the time with a person you feel better and happier, same while your in communication with the,. but when communication hits a break, it ends, one or the other moves on, etc... the feelings will disperse and you will be worse off than you we're before. you will find yourself further lost and confused than you had initially intended to find yourself to feel. if there was anything i learned through the flings i've experienced and the relationships i've had come and go... its simply that we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by the beliefs and opinions of others. they are simply human and what they say or think has no bearing on who we are as people. become stronger in yourself and in the Lord. because when you gain the self confidence offered through identity in self and Lord, you will find yourself no longer in need of affirmation from the opposite sex of friends (though keep in mind compliments from friends are not bad and neither is criticism, just don't let them DEFINE you).

thats my blog for now.... btw if anyone wants a great new musical artist, check out Blake Bollinger.

First day back, no one skips a beat

stroll in with back pack ready and mentally set for a new year of school. its not hard to imagine the appearance...

large bright commons with coffee shops and tables that fill the room. students grouped together, computers open and ipods rolling. in a sea of people you wouldn't expect the feeling of being alone.... lonely. now i'm not saying that i'm depressed and lonely. but i am saying that it feels like i shouldn't be back in school yet, its a full year at my door step and i'm not ready to open the door yet. the feeling of being lonely is directly a result of everyone seeming so ready and excited for their classes and the year at hand. i'm lost in my emotions towards school and even more towards where i should take my life this year..... where i should try to grow and change the most.

the best i can do and the most i can hope for on this first day back is relatively simple. that i stay true to myself and never compromise myself and my reputation for the sake of something less. that i push myself to the fullest of my ability in my classes. and finally that i learn to take my life in the path that will best benefit me and God's plan/intentions for me. these are my hopes, these are my dreams, these are my prayers.

The love of a friend and our feelings of loss.

The love of a friend and our feelings of loss.... its a failure simple title to understand i believe. in our life we develop the feelings of love, compassion, care, etc. for our friends who we hold dear. now i don't really care what you say, i know we have all felt this positive feeling i have described. Just as we all have experienced the second feeling, the feeling of loss. now i didn't say we lost our friend, its the feeling of loss... the process of lost if you will. this is a scenario i'm not completely sure how to describe. the best i can say is that other circumstances, people, and problems will draw our friendships further apart. sometimes we can manage to pull our friendships/relationships through this time of grief, allowing us to grow more together. other times we realize our friendship wasn't as strong as we had hoped, splitting the two apart for a moment in time or forever.

i took a whole paragraph to explain something intended to only take a few sentences.

"A friend who is loved... can never be lost."

That is a quote i made up, and it is what sparked my thought process on this blog entry. the point is i have best friends (just as anyone would) and one specifically that i'm very close with. i love this person to death and fully realize that i'd die for them (and most of my good friends). but this feeling of loss comes from this best friend of mine. this idea that live is a challenge everyday, each day is a test, each day we must take as a blessing despite our hardships.

i guess the goal of me writing this is to better understand my current situation, writing allows me to become like a 3rd person; view my life from another persons eyes basically. i understand the importance of growing in friendships with others, but the fear of loss in my life is a great one.... its a fear i'm always conscious of.

anyways this was very random and confusing... but considering how messy my brain is right now, i'm okay with it

Pain.... unbearable, and yet incomprehensible

imagine if you will....

3 in the morning, lying in bed, alone and sad. your head is compressed from all sides, and your heart feels as if it we're slowly being pulled outward. you want to scream but and incapable, you want to cry but are unable. the feeligns of pain are real and yet completely a myth to the human race. we may know what causes pain, but have know true knowledge on how to solve pain (besides perhaps Time and God).

Everyone experiences pain in a different fashion, and everyone will cope with their emotions differently. although i may have methods of loud music, a smoke, a drink, a car, or a friend..... none of them truly fix the pain in my heart. partially because i hide the pain deep down so that i will not have to open up to others and become vulnerable, but also because pain is not a problem that can be fixed like a skinned knee or broken radio. pain has no cure and has no remedy. our best line of defense is time for healing and prayer for speeding up that process.

don't be a fool, i'll bet my life on the fact that you've experienced pain that made you want to curl up and cry.... we all have and i can admit to it. i've driven long trips and burst into tears, no reason why.... just bottled up emotions.

so don't go inflicting pain and sorrow upon others of our world (unless its a cat). live in a way that you can be honest yet caring, genuine yet thoughtful. there is no sense in causing this unbearable emotion onto others if we ourselves cannot handle it.

pain, an emotion that brings us to our knees to cry upon our Father

Pain, an emotion that gives us a needed contrast to happiness.... so that we may truly be grateful.

Be who you want to be, don't sell yourself to others

If I told you that you were a salesman what would you think? If I explained to you that every single day of our lives we are selling ourselves and our personality, what would you think? That I was calling you a whore or slut? Not quite the route I would be intending you to think of. The other day I thought about this illustration, how as an american culture we must prove to others how important and valuable person we are. Think through your daily life, see if what I’m claiming is true for yourself. Some people must tell others about their personal accomplishments, some dress to impress others (some people do dress for their own personal preference as well), and others maybe sell themselves by using their physical objects or belongings. Now maybe I’m alone in this view, perhaps people wouldn’t consider this selling ourselves. But to me, I feel like the majority of our life is spent trying to convince people how great we are and eventually we’ll loose our true self confidence. God intended us to be confident in ourselves, not cocky/conceited, but confident. If we are going to others to feel better about ourselves, then we loose control of ourselves. You are letting other people dictate how valuable you are as a person. Remember that you have the ability to know how important your are as a person, and that you and God alone have the right to decide who you are as a person.

Love those you hate, Treat them with respect so that they may change

There has been something eating at me for the last few weeks, something that truly is tragic and sad in my opinion. In our life there will be people who bother us, disappoint us, fail often, or even make us jealous of them (anyways you get the point, there will be people that we have strained relationships with). It seems to me that our most common response to these people and our relationships with them is simple; avoid them, discourage them, mock them. Call me crazy, but that method has never truly worked in my favor. In fact I find myself thinking poorly of the people who often do this (and I understand I am guilty of it as well).

I have a friend whose brother has been struggling lately in life, making poor decisions and improper actions. Everyone was hard on him, never truly encouraged him. No once had there been a substantial difference in his behavior from this. His sister treated him with respect, showed him love and affection that he hadn’t received in some time. These actions showed the difference, these behaviors of his changed when he was treated differently. I use this example to try and illustrate that treating someone with love and respect... EVEN if they may not deserve it.... Has stronger affects than the traditional approach (a negative one).

In life we will be in control of so many different aspects of ourselves, we will have the ability to choose who and why we care for people. But in life you will not always have control who will and will not have regular interactions with you. There will be people we do not like around us, and that is a cultural fact. Learn to love them for who they are and how God created them. God allows for us to make choices and adapt. This is greatly because of our relationships with others, we have the ability to get along with and enjoy everyone ever created. IF that is the path you choose. And believe me when I say, that is the path of the successful, the path of the friendly, the path of a person people genuinely want to be around.

my biggest challenge.... myself

You know I find it interesting to see how driven we all are as a human race, and yet the biggest obstacle we all face regardless of the goal... Is ourselves. Doesn’t matter matter if we are going for good grades, a challenging job, or even just writing about our emotions. The biggest challenge we usually will face is over coming our own mind, our own perceptions of self.

Haha so with that as an excuse to my lack of writing, perhaps I’ll finally start clearing my head. Way to much junk going on up there lately.

Grandma's Tribute

Its amazing to me how fast the days go, and no... not just when your having fun. The days we live are great and such a blessed gift from God, but this gift is a short one. Each day we live seems to go by faster and faster, each day is different and holds numerous circumstances, but most importantly... each day is ours.

That introduction was probably a little more choppy than I would of liked, but its late and will have to do. The point I want to bring up is the tremendous need in our culture to start living each day as our last, “live like you were dying” (some country song lyrics). But the deep underlying topic I’ve been wanting to address is my grandma, and before I address her I wanted to mention her love of life. She lived everyday to its fullest. My dad likes to say she lived as if she would “dance in the rain.” Simply this means that even on the rainiest and darkest days, she found reason to dance and love life.

If I had to look back amongst the relatives I lost I could genuinely say I loved them. I could say I cared for them while they were alive. But could I really say that I longed for their presence, that their loss still brought tears to my eyes, that they truly touched my life down to my deepest core? I couldn’t say they did, I couldn’t believe most have done that besides two strong people in my life. Uncle Larry and Grandma. (now before people get all crazy, yes my other relatives mattered and affected me.... But the didn’t affect me in such a deep and attentive way as these two did) When I was growing up, the younger years, grandma wasn’t such an important role model and person to me as she was in my later teen years. It’d be safe to say that I wasn’t mature enough to truly appreciate what she would say and do for me. It was Grandma’s first death scare that I realized how important she was to me and how important I had become to her.

She was in the Mayo Clinic and we weren’t sure on her health yet at this time. Dad and I went to visit her and she was in the weakest state I had ever seen her, she couldn’t hardly even speak to us besides a light whisper. We were there for her and yet she insisted on praising us, she insisted that she showed her love through words to us. I remember the image in my head vividly... Dark room, after visitation hours... Aunt mary gail on the right side of the bed... Dad massaging grandma’s very swollen feet... And me a 16-17 year old teenager on the left. Grandma started to tell me how much she loved me, how she noticed who I was and what I would become. She knew more about my future than I could have ever imagined for even myself. She told me how she thought I was such a gentleman and how I had so many friends due to the encouragement I was able to give others. But most importantly to me, she told me she knew without a doubt in her mind that I was going to become a great prosperous man (prosperous is not confined to financial wealth despite popular belief). She told me I would go far in life, I would accomplish my dreams and aspirations, I would live life like my father has. She also told me that I was her favorite grandson.... Now hold on I don’t want this to be taken as in picking favorites. But I believe she said this because of our mutual love for the human communication and relationships we are capable of. We never talked about it while she was alive. But the only way she could have said what she did, and known what she did, is if she cared enough to learn about that as I have. And its for that reason I believe she said that about me, because I was like her in a lot of ways.

The next part about grandma I want to share is the letter she gave me upon learning that I would be attending Bethel university. Below is the letter in italics and underlined.

Feb 2, 2008

Heavenly Father, this is a very special day for my grandson, Joshua Flom. He will take a new path in his young life that means so much to us, his family. We feel with our prayer and guide lines we can be of some help.

Joshua knows his Lord, and has a strong foundation. I pray he will choose great friends, and to make friends, you must be one. Be a good listener and avoid all temptations. Feel good about yourself, feel needed, be helpful. When awake in the morning, know that God is at your side. Ask for guidance for the day and He will be there.

It is frustrating and even scary to leave the cozy nest of home where you had all the love and protection most students have, but this is the way of life (your nest will always be there).

This will be a great year for you. Keep healthy, work hard, and progress and happiness will return. I will enjoy watching you advance to a fine young man in this busy world.

Josh! You are so blessed with loving, devoted parents who want the best for you. They will always be there. Your special brothers and great sister are so proud of you.

To some it may seem like a simplistic letter, to some it may not even seem special. To me... it is the last letter I received from my grandma and also the most important. You see, to me this letter tells me that I am capable of greatness in my life. It tells me that others are proud of the life I have lived and are there to carry me through any challenges. This is tremendous for me to hear! In my life I have been great at speaking wisdom into others through advice or something. But rarely have I been capable of taking my advice and applying it to my own life. Grandma helped me change that. To this day, even after her death, she continues to help me grow. Odd right? Her memory and life example has come to teach me vast amounts of wisdom, and I’ll continue to learn as I continue to remember and honor her memory.

So tonight I praise the Lord for the best grandma of a lifetime, the best grandma I could have ever imagined. I praise her memory and the example she has left for me and those who knew her.

Go out and live life to the fullest not only for yourself, but for my grandma who has eternally touched my life.

Go out and dance in the rain.

hit the ground running kind of family

Occasionally I find myself in a daze, trying to catch up with the moments and thoughts at hand. Occasionally I find life moving so quickly and without pause, that I become overwhelmed with my own thought process. In a hit the ground running lifestyle I learn to become accustomed to the fast pace... But being human I naturally will trip occasionally. These trips are a nuisance, but not without a silver lining. These bumps and rough spots in life allow me to take a break from this race to the end (why are we racing in the first place?) and sit on a bench for a while and just think. Granted you need a mental image of me running through life and the traumatic or difficult moments are me tripping, the thinking is me sitting on a bench catching my breathe.... Figured I’d explain for the unimaginative out there.

Every family has its corks, little things that are unique to that specific family “build.” My family has many unique features, many differences to others... One key detail is how fast my family moves through life (your lucky to catch your breathe at all). I know saying that we move at a fast pace doesn’t really describe it much, I don’t really know how to explain how speed is a unique feature to a family. Put very simply, we move from one event to another at a moments notice, quite often with out planning to.

I grew up like this, I love this, its defined me greatly. But that doesn’t mean life is simplistic just because I grew up this way. You miss certain thins that are tremendously important, which is back to my first statement. A chance to breathe... A chance to talk... A chance to communicate your thoughts and feelings with the people around you. With out these chances/opportunities, your destined to be confused or to bury your feelings deep down in a place no one can help to sort them out. I love being able to communicate with others, to learn about peoples joys along with theirs fears and pains. But I’ve lost that opportunity with my family at times, now don’t take that to an extreme... I still have the great privilege of being very close with my family. But with this fast paced tendency I’ve “skipped” over certain points with my siblings and parents that could have been greatly helpful at that point in time. As time moves on, these situations become forgotten and result in a lack of communicated issues.

Some people can read a piece of writing and realize you take bits and pieces as literal while other pieces as a grain of salt (if I said the correctly that is). My intention in writing this is as usual mostly for me, but also to make light of something I think is over looked. Don’t allow yourself to fly through life and miss out on communicating those crucial issues with the ones you love. It may seem like a minor thing to miss, but trust me it can change a lot. Speaking from experience, the few friendships I’ve lost I can attribute directly to a lack of communication a specific issue. You’ll live to regret these such moments, I can promise you that.

telling people you care, loose the fear of rejection

How do you tell someone you care for them, how do you tell them their your world? With countless words in our dictionary, we still find it to be such an immense challenge to explain our feelings to others. But then there’s the idea that actions speak louder than words… though that only works if you can actually see the person. If you never see them, it’s hard to perform any extraordinary acts to illustrate your deep feelings for them.

So we’re stuck, we are at a loss for using the words in our English language and we are unable to illustrate our emotions through actions. So what is our best option then, what is the best way to show or describe how much we care for this person… how much they mean to us; friends and lovers alike. I’ve found there is only one option when it comes to sharing our feelings, only one possible route. Take a deep breath and spill our emotions out as is they were being worn on our shoulders. There is no “I don’t know,” we cannot allow ourselves to hide from the people we care for by saying we don’t understand our feelings or don’t know what they mean.

I understand better than most that when we drop our feelings onto others we run the risk of rejection… we run the risk of encountering the curse of pain. But I’d rather feel pain than nothing at all, rather experience loss and rejection than never knowing rejection and acceptance alike.

To anyone worried about making a move towards the unknown, to my future circumstances, to people in general... don’t be worried about rejection and the judgments of others, they do not determine your self-worth. Take a step towards the scary moments in your life; make a move towards your dreams that scare you. I promise you will be hurt… things don’t work out perfectly every time. But more importantly I promise you… you will live. More importantly you will live with no regrets, no unknowns, and more happiness. We’re all scared, but we don’t all have the will power to do something about it.

thoughts about a meteor shower and girl

Stars fall to the earth in the dark of night, painting the sky with vibrant streaks of green and red. Beauty appears in our darkness for a moment to bring color into our lives. I look into the sky to see these green streaks, to see this color that reminds me of the beauty that fills your eyes. Gods beauty is unfolded as you look into the sky, just as I see gods beauty in his creation; you... In a night that has been filled with joy and tremendous sights; I can only think of one genuine improvement. Laying down in the field with my favorite, gorgeous, and spectacular girl in my arms. With the first shooting star to light the midnight sky, I’ll wish for a kiss from that special girl with me.

Speech to Justin & Jocelynn Flom

Take a moment to look back upon your childhood, the awkward teenage years, college memories, and life in general. Who was it that was there with you through the moments that meant the most to you? Who did you have a reputation of getting into trouble with, but never actually got caught breaking the rules. Who was one of your role models to how a man is supposed to act through his younger years?

For me it was always my brother, for me it was Justin that stuck with me through the good, the bad, the funny, the dangerous, the moments we call memories.

I’ve seen Justin go through his life as a very close brother, I know about the greatest moments as while as the darkest… and despite the challenges presented to him; I’ve seen him prosper, I’ve seen him grow in self and the Lord.

When I met Jocelynn it was clear from the beginning that she was a spectacular girl. It was evident through her personality and zealous attitude for life, that she’d be one of the few people in this world capable of keeping up to Justin’s “hit the ground running” lifestyle.

There was one day specifically I knew that Justin loved her, one day that I knew he planned to be there for her entire life. I asked him if all the mistakes of his past, all the pain from life (whether relationships, family, or just struggles) was worth going through in the end. Now I don’t have the exact response but roughly he said: “of course it was worth it, if hadn’t gone through what I had I wouldn’t of matured enough to have her, I wouldn’t be the man I needed to be to make Jocelynn happy… the mistakes I made in my past I learned from, and I didn’t have to make them with Jocelynn.” It was this statement that helped me realize that the rough points in our lives had a purpose in God’s ultimate plan, and it was this statement that made me trust that Justin was ready for the next step in life… marriage.

Justin… Jocelynn… I look forward to seeing an amazing life unfold for the both of you. Jocelynn with your love for Justin and enthusiasm for life I know that you will be able to move through a tremendous life with Justin. And Justin with your love for Jocelynn I know that you will show her the world, literally… and also a love others can only dream of.

God bless both of you and your marriage.

Friends and the power of growth we experience through them

One of the greatest gifts I have received through my life is not financial stability, health, knowledge, etc. My friend once brought to light the things that matter most to me. Stefan, my old room mate told me God’s gift of wisdom for me, how I had wisdom and insight into my life and into others. By him explaining this he told me the importance of my friendship. You see two years ago we we’re strangers, I tried to live elsewhere but was placed by God into him dorm building. Through the months Stefan Walker and Josh Bernards became the two best guy friends I had ever had. Its these two men that act as the iron in my life; because as iron sharpens iron, so one

man sharpens another. There is no simplistic way to explain the love of a friend, just as there is no simple way to explain the meaning of these two guys in my life.

Words are given to us by the Lord so that we can paint an elegant image, so that we can help the human imagination to piece together a master piece. I want to try and explain the

unexplainable, to illustrate the importance of a few guys in my life that led to a great growth in my maturity, wisdom, love, and general knowledge.

Stefan Walker and Josh Bernards are nothing alike... throw me in the mix and you have three friends that became brothers, three friends that became in separable, three friends that became some of each others best friends.

Whether it was late nights listening to music, talking through our computers voices, or putting post its all over the walls... stefan was one of my best friends in a heartbeat. which is saying a lot considering i haven't had a guy best friend that was good for me..... ever! Josh and I would game at all hours of the night, share a love for music, love getting to go out and eat, and my favorite was our joy for the simple things in life (being able to go for a walk, glance at the stars, etc.). Now its worth nothing that although the three of us are different, we all ended up loving the same things and rarely was it ju

st two of us together, it was always the three of us. Its truly impossible to list the memories of all of the great times, and especially impossible to say which of these great godly men are my favorite.

If i look upon my fathers life, i see exactly what i hope and will strive for. a life long friendship with the men in his life that are important, the men in his life that help him grow, the men in his life that act as his giants (if i see far its because i stand on the shoulders of giants). There are many people i can think of that i want to stay in my life, men and women alike. Stefan and Josh are at the top of this list. they are the rare friends a person only dreams of, the kind of friend people hope for but may never find.

My goal in life is to accomplish the works of the Lord, to bring happiness to my friends and family, and to bring a sense of success to myself. i know with complete certainty that i wont be able to achieve any of these things without God as my driver, and these two men as my navigators. It's with this realizations that i must be careful of my actions, i must be thoughtful to the thoughts of them and of myself. i expect great things of myself, and i expect wondrous things from Stefan and Josh... I'm hoping i can see these astonishing lives unfold over the years.

Lay your head down so that you may dream...

People sleep to dream of what life could be.  i sleep to rest myself so that i may wake and live my dream.  The sky is not my limit... my limit will be the heavens.

Think of our culture for a moment and how it seems to address the issue of a person's dreams...

you'll quickly realize (at least i think) that we have two primarily dominate tendencies (a third we'll address later).  First is our media's view, movies.  these show us how are dreams will come true, how the good guy always wins and potentially that life is really a fairy tale.  our second view is of the general public, negative.  that life is not a fairy tale and its filled with pain, sorrow, and ultimately that dreams do not or rarely come true.  These views seem to really be at an extremely, which makes me wonder why we cannot find a mutual understand between the two of them... which brings in our third concept.

I believe the third would be the small amount of people that believe our dreams can most certainly come true if we are willing to pursue them with our whole self (and God) while also realizing that there will be pain and suffering as we move towards our goals.  So take those other two ideas and combine them.  take the understanding from movies that dreams are capable of being achieved... take the realization that pain and ultimately failure will happen occasionally but are not to be the end result of things.  together i personally believe we meet a point of of dreams and aspirations...  that co-exists with our pain of life and occasional mistakes (or failures) that allow us to have lessons and learn to achieve our goal correctly.

When you believe you want something, go after it and take control of the dream you have inside of yourself.  you can accomplish great and amazing things when you set forth with the intention of finishing it.  there will be trials, and only the tough will surpass them.  there will be blessings, and only the deserving will earn them.  

Dream... dream of the greatness you deserve...

Wake... Wake up to the realization that you can achieve the dream...

Sleep... Sleep well knowing that you've lived your live to the fullest and achieved what others have only thought of doing.

Not doing what is right, while also not doing something wrong... results in a wrong.

interesting title...  i'll explain what i mean

if your in a situation presented with a wrong and a right...  but you are to timid, to passive, to make the right choice (but you also don't choose a wrong action, simple neutral or nothing) you are really being passive.  you are being like adam in the garden of eden, when he was passive while eve ate the apple.  passivity is wrong, doing nothing is most certainly doing something.

the point i'm trying to get across is simple, step up and do what is right.  this is so that you are not passive but also because you are not alone.  "don't ever be scared to do the right thing; more often then you know others are thinking the same thing, just need someone to make that first step." (Josh Flom)  stepping up and rejecting passivity, or rejecting a wrong action, takes great bravery when with your friends or even strangers.

a bravery many of us lack on a regular basis, even if we don't like to admit it....

spoiled with earthly wealth... or blessed with heavenly gifts?

As we go through life we must keep ourselves up to the standards set by our God the Father...  but as we continue through life you quickly learn that our culture has another set of standards, that our culture has another idea for your life.  Culture is our hidden and disgraceful leader... It creates definitions to our words,  actions, and lifestyles.  Time and time again we allow ourselves to be affected by "their" way of life, have we no self respect?

the aspect of culture and its definitions i feel the need to bring to light is simply its definition of being spoiled....  and you'll learn it will never be called being blessed.

--A man gets a promotion allowing him some spare cash, so he treats his family to a vacation (or gifts, dinners, etc) suddenly these young kids or the family is spoiled?  why would we not call them blessed by God?

These can be a thousand different ways to recognize the differences and similarities between spoiled and blessed situations.  but the aspect i'm looking for is that people start recognizing the positive more than the negative, that we start acknowledging that God is powerful and loving (but still has wrath mind you), that sometimes we need to remember that we wont all receive the same blessings as our friends and family (the world is different for everyone).

I live to experience pain... so that I may understand Joy

"We live, we learn; we hurt, and we love. Welcome challenges and welcome pain, without them we cannot learn and cannot truly understand love"

Being one who loves communication, loves relationships, basically loves every aspect of we as a people who "feel," i have come to have a vast amount of deep conversations with close friends (and strangers).  a great majority of these people have told me that they will never look for a significant other again, never take risks again, never try....  all to avoid the pain that the brutal world brings.  i say why?

I realize that pain is excruciating and unbearable, but would you truly be thankful for the happiness you experience if you hadn't first known what hurt was like.  i'll be the first to say that heart ache is one of the worst things in life we can go through, but it brings a bitter sweet gift.  it brings us something to contrast happiness with, it brings us lessons to learn what we really long for and need in a person (or life)

to make this short lets put it this way....  the hardships we experience bring greatness to our lives if we allow them.  they bring happiness after we have learned and valued these lessons.

time to run some errands....  post again soon

mirrors and realizations

"Ever love who you are until you look into the mirror.  Only to realize the person staring back is a stranger, an outsider to our definition of self-identity."

Time and time again I move through my daily life, acting out the typical motions are actions.  We all, including myself, become accustomed to who we are and who we have become.  We think out dreams, aspirations, ideas, and concepts that will make us who we want to be (who we should be).  But by the time we lay our heads down to rest we fail to change the most crucial part of our worlds; ourselves.

Personal

I know who i am and i know who i've become, but that doesn't mean i am who i want to be.  I hear the words of friends (and strangers) praising me for my personality, thoughts, quotes, actions, etc (the list continues), but that doesn't mean i am who i should be.  what i mean is there are aspects of my life that i see in the mirror, and it brings heart ache to my self; my soul.  I fail to bring happiness to myself in relationships, i fail to praise God in the way i know i am fully capable of, i fail to please my father in the ways of career or self improvement, etc.

Am i happy with myself?  well of course.  do i cherish the comments and statements of others, yes... do i believe they are true, usually i do yes (otherwise why would they say them)... do i believe there is a side to me that others would be ashamed of, yes.

i believe that people would be ashamed of the way i approach my relationships of romantic interest.  people have said continuously how amazing of a boyfriend i would be, and i would be a great one.  but...  i purposely ruin relationships before the progress, i keep them physical, i distance myself.  i ruin them so they don't become serious, which could result in my emotional pain because of it failing.  i keep them physical to abstain from any emotional connection.  i distance myself to avoid failure.  and i believe i can attribute most of these problems to when i cheated on my first love (i think love).  it killed me that i would sacrifice the worlds greatest gift, emotional love... for simplistic physical gratification.  

i know that my father loves me more then words are even capable of illustrating... so dont take my words as a misunderstanding of his love.  but i know that he wants... expects... greatness from me.  he built an empire of insurance sales, he made his name in the record books for his company... he wants me to step out of this mountain size shadow and make a bigger one.  at least that is what it seems, it seems he see's a greatness in me that i have yet to grasp.  sometimes i wish he'd keep this magnificent idea for me alive, but still understand that i'm a lost college student in need of more hands on teaching.

its intense that there is so much in life that i don't understand.  but i know that in time i'll figure it out.