mirrors and realizations

"Ever love who you are until you look into the mirror.  Only to realize the person staring back is a stranger, an outsider to our definition of self-identity."

Time and time again I move through my daily life, acting out the typical motions are actions.  We all, including myself, become accustomed to who we are and who we have become.  We think out dreams, aspirations, ideas, and concepts that will make us who we want to be (who we should be).  But by the time we lay our heads down to rest we fail to change the most crucial part of our worlds; ourselves.

Personal

I know who i am and i know who i've become, but that doesn't mean i am who i want to be.  I hear the words of friends (and strangers) praising me for my personality, thoughts, quotes, actions, etc (the list continues), but that doesn't mean i am who i should be.  what i mean is there are aspects of my life that i see in the mirror, and it brings heart ache to my self; my soul.  I fail to bring happiness to myself in relationships, i fail to praise God in the way i know i am fully capable of, i fail to please my father in the ways of career or self improvement, etc.

Am i happy with myself?  well of course.  do i cherish the comments and statements of others, yes... do i believe they are true, usually i do yes (otherwise why would they say them)... do i believe there is a side to me that others would be ashamed of, yes.

i believe that people would be ashamed of the way i approach my relationships of romantic interest.  people have said continuously how amazing of a boyfriend i would be, and i would be a great one.  but...  i purposely ruin relationships before the progress, i keep them physical, i distance myself.  i ruin them so they don't become serious, which could result in my emotional pain because of it failing.  i keep them physical to abstain from any emotional connection.  i distance myself to avoid failure.  and i believe i can attribute most of these problems to when i cheated on my first love (i think love).  it killed me that i would sacrifice the worlds greatest gift, emotional love... for simplistic physical gratification.  

i know that my father loves me more then words are even capable of illustrating... so dont take my words as a misunderstanding of his love.  but i know that he wants... expects... greatness from me.  he built an empire of insurance sales, he made his name in the record books for his company... he wants me to step out of this mountain size shadow and make a bigger one.  at least that is what it seems, it seems he see's a greatness in me that i have yet to grasp.  sometimes i wish he'd keep this magnificent idea for me alive, but still understand that i'm a lost college student in need of more hands on teaching.

its intense that there is so much in life that i don't understand.  but i know that in time i'll figure it out.