I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

Three statements, three personal ways of life, three reasons.

as i look in my life ad into others its simple to see that there will always be a level judgement, opinion, rumors, etc. basically there will always be issues amongst friends and strangers that deals with one person believing something about the other. As a blunt example; on person being straight but his friend believing him to be gay, its a distant example but it is the point i'm stressing. My mind i personally believe to not be like most men i know. i believe everyones is vastly different, and mine happens to work in a way that has deep emotional thought always on the table. i am an expert with masking true thoughts and emotions, i am an expert liar. I've found that if i hide certain emotions will remain safe from otherwise inevitable pain. and through this life choice i have made, i have made the two decisions above; i choose not to believe and to be alone. i have chosen not to believe in the complete trust of others (there are SOME people i do confide in, but the number is smaller than it used to be). also i have chosen not to believe in the statements made by others in my life pertaining to me. not as a whole, but as a few small areas. enjoy life to the fullest most of the time, i love to the fullest at all times, and i am far more knowledgeable in life than people have come to realize. you see when you don't stress your knowledge and act like you have a lack of it, simple because than people don't care if you do poorly in class. they will only believe you to be a fool. if you live life even differently then they do they tend to consider that a very strange and more importantly wrong thing to do.

all this rambling leads to a very important realization to my life. I know who i am and what i am capable of. i know the greatness i will achieve in my life and in the Lord. I know that i will make the people around me proud to be called my friend, as i will be proud to stand upon their shoulders. because of all this i will shed the wait of others and their words that hinder me. i am not perfect and i am not finished learning/growing. but i am finished being labeled as "less-than" and finished being considered inept. for those who see my life as unorthodox i will no longer be hurt by your words of discouragement. instead i will welcome the criticism as a compliment, as knowledge of the difference in living i have taken on. how can we expect to reach the mountain top when there is a line of people all progressing the same way up the hill. i will forge my way to the top through the difference you call "me."

even though i've slowly found a way off my original topic i've found that another has come up from it. i want people to realize the importance to accept people and their alternative ways of living...... BUT!!! don't go taking my words to accept foolish actions of sin and false gods. i mean alternate ways of living; personalities, thought processes, etc.

My father forged his own path and now has people following his path. he casts a shadow that is tall, dark, and dreary. but as proof of my promise i say here. i will forge a path worth of what i call greatness and of God's plans for me. i will show him what he has raised and that i have more within me than realized by others. My grandma saw it, and i believe my dads acknowledges it.... despite his hidden words on the subject.

Time to drop the yuck onto paper and move on to a positive perspective

Take a moment to look through your past and the friends you've had through the years. can you genuinely think of ONE person that you enjoyed being with when all they did was be negative and depressed?? no one is lifted up by someone who is always down, simply does not work that way. which is why this is my last post on the rough aspects of life, i'm laying it out to forget about it. from then on i'll be writing from a different type of view, it'll be beneficial to me to do so.

i've been thinking for close to a half a year now how to mend the broken friendships of a life. fix what was so broken that it has yet to be fixed. my friends are the people i hold most dear to my heart and when a friendship is lost.... i become lost, very simple to understand. in life is it best to fix any and all relationships despite their natural value to us?? or is there times that we need to move on from our past and accept that not everyone can potentially co-exist in friendships or relationships. these questions will hit me each time i see a person that has been lost form my daily life. if i was the final decision maker in the scenario i wouldn't let a friendship that was once so valuable to be lost so easily. but in the end i've come to the conclusion that i will always be in control of my feelings, emotions, actions, etc.... but there will never be a moment in my God given life that i will control these things in another person. with this knowledge i must move on from the past, and drive myself into a new future, new relationships are to be made, new memories to be created.

Time and time again we see relationships come and go, time and time again we see people become involved with flings. now there is no saying that relationships are bad or sinful, that i could just never say. but what of flings, what about the people who engage in a physical relationship without the emotional connection that is given through a dating relationship. are they wrong to do so, or is there a deeper reason for actions such as these. i have a viewpoint on it, as usual. is it possible that although the flings are unhealthy and complicated, that they still have their place in a persons life. that there are still reasons for why i person would do this besides getting "some." I argue that a person does not get involved in flings because of the physical gratification (a majority, but some certain just want "play"). i believe that when a person feels down and lost with the emotional dating relationships that they will change into a fling type lifestyle. its simple really, you gain the emotion of feeling wanted and cared for, that you matter and have something to offer other people in your life and the opposite sex. it is a solution to fulfilling a lack of these feelings offered from a relationship.

but those are the positive aspects, there's negatives to these such acts. the positive emotions gained are short lived, they last about as long as a smoking addict without a cigaret fix. during the time with a person you feel better and happier, same while your in communication with the,. but when communication hits a break, it ends, one or the other moves on, etc... the feelings will disperse and you will be worse off than you we're before. you will find yourself further lost and confused than you had initially intended to find yourself to feel. if there was anything i learned through the flings i've experienced and the relationships i've had come and go... its simply that we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by the beliefs and opinions of others. they are simply human and what they say or think has no bearing on who we are as people. become stronger in yourself and in the Lord. because when you gain the self confidence offered through identity in self and Lord, you will find yourself no longer in need of affirmation from the opposite sex of friends (though keep in mind compliments from friends are not bad and neither is criticism, just don't let them DEFINE you).

thats my blog for now.... btw if anyone wants a great new musical artist, check out Blake Bollinger.

First day back, no one skips a beat

stroll in with back pack ready and mentally set for a new year of school. its not hard to imagine the appearance...

large bright commons with coffee shops and tables that fill the room. students grouped together, computers open and ipods rolling. in a sea of people you wouldn't expect the feeling of being alone.... lonely. now i'm not saying that i'm depressed and lonely. but i am saying that it feels like i shouldn't be back in school yet, its a full year at my door step and i'm not ready to open the door yet. the feeling of being lonely is directly a result of everyone seeming so ready and excited for their classes and the year at hand. i'm lost in my emotions towards school and even more towards where i should take my life this year..... where i should try to grow and change the most.

the best i can do and the most i can hope for on this first day back is relatively simple. that i stay true to myself and never compromise myself and my reputation for the sake of something less. that i push myself to the fullest of my ability in my classes. and finally that i learn to take my life in the path that will best benefit me and God's plan/intentions for me. these are my hopes, these are my dreams, these are my prayers.

The love of a friend and our feelings of loss.

The love of a friend and our feelings of loss.... its a failure simple title to understand i believe. in our life we develop the feelings of love, compassion, care, etc. for our friends who we hold dear. now i don't really care what you say, i know we have all felt this positive feeling i have described. Just as we all have experienced the second feeling, the feeling of loss. now i didn't say we lost our friend, its the feeling of loss... the process of lost if you will. this is a scenario i'm not completely sure how to describe. the best i can say is that other circumstances, people, and problems will draw our friendships further apart. sometimes we can manage to pull our friendships/relationships through this time of grief, allowing us to grow more together. other times we realize our friendship wasn't as strong as we had hoped, splitting the two apart for a moment in time or forever.

i took a whole paragraph to explain something intended to only take a few sentences.

"A friend who is loved... can never be lost."

That is a quote i made up, and it is what sparked my thought process on this blog entry. the point is i have best friends (just as anyone would) and one specifically that i'm very close with. i love this person to death and fully realize that i'd die for them (and most of my good friends). but this feeling of loss comes from this best friend of mine. this idea that live is a challenge everyday, each day is a test, each day we must take as a blessing despite our hardships.

i guess the goal of me writing this is to better understand my current situation, writing allows me to become like a 3rd person; view my life from another persons eyes basically. i understand the importance of growing in friendships with others, but the fear of loss in my life is a great one.... its a fear i'm always conscious of.

anyways this was very random and confusing... but considering how messy my brain is right now, i'm okay with it

Pain.... unbearable, and yet incomprehensible

imagine if you will....

3 in the morning, lying in bed, alone and sad. your head is compressed from all sides, and your heart feels as if it we're slowly being pulled outward. you want to scream but and incapable, you want to cry but are unable. the feeligns of pain are real and yet completely a myth to the human race. we may know what causes pain, but have know true knowledge on how to solve pain (besides perhaps Time and God).

Everyone experiences pain in a different fashion, and everyone will cope with their emotions differently. although i may have methods of loud music, a smoke, a drink, a car, or a friend..... none of them truly fix the pain in my heart. partially because i hide the pain deep down so that i will not have to open up to others and become vulnerable, but also because pain is not a problem that can be fixed like a skinned knee or broken radio. pain has no cure and has no remedy. our best line of defense is time for healing and prayer for speeding up that process.

don't be a fool, i'll bet my life on the fact that you've experienced pain that made you want to curl up and cry.... we all have and i can admit to it. i've driven long trips and burst into tears, no reason why.... just bottled up emotions.

so don't go inflicting pain and sorrow upon others of our world (unless its a cat). live in a way that you can be honest yet caring, genuine yet thoughtful. there is no sense in causing this unbearable emotion onto others if we ourselves cannot handle it.

pain, an emotion that brings us to our knees to cry upon our Father

Pain, an emotion that gives us a needed contrast to happiness.... so that we may truly be grateful.

Be who you want to be, don't sell yourself to others

If I told you that you were a salesman what would you think? If I explained to you that every single day of our lives we are selling ourselves and our personality, what would you think? That I was calling you a whore or slut? Not quite the route I would be intending you to think of. The other day I thought about this illustration, how as an american culture we must prove to others how important and valuable person we are. Think through your daily life, see if what I’m claiming is true for yourself. Some people must tell others about their personal accomplishments, some dress to impress others (some people do dress for their own personal preference as well), and others maybe sell themselves by using their physical objects or belongings. Now maybe I’m alone in this view, perhaps people wouldn’t consider this selling ourselves. But to me, I feel like the majority of our life is spent trying to convince people how great we are and eventually we’ll loose our true self confidence. God intended us to be confident in ourselves, not cocky/conceited, but confident. If we are going to others to feel better about ourselves, then we loose control of ourselves. You are letting other people dictate how valuable you are as a person. Remember that you have the ability to know how important your are as a person, and that you and God alone have the right to decide who you are as a person.

Love those you hate, Treat them with respect so that they may change

There has been something eating at me for the last few weeks, something that truly is tragic and sad in my opinion. In our life there will be people who bother us, disappoint us, fail often, or even make us jealous of them (anyways you get the point, there will be people that we have strained relationships with). It seems to me that our most common response to these people and our relationships with them is simple; avoid them, discourage them, mock them. Call me crazy, but that method has never truly worked in my favor. In fact I find myself thinking poorly of the people who often do this (and I understand I am guilty of it as well).

I have a friend whose brother has been struggling lately in life, making poor decisions and improper actions. Everyone was hard on him, never truly encouraged him. No once had there been a substantial difference in his behavior from this. His sister treated him with respect, showed him love and affection that he hadn’t received in some time. These actions showed the difference, these behaviors of his changed when he was treated differently. I use this example to try and illustrate that treating someone with love and respect... EVEN if they may not deserve it.... Has stronger affects than the traditional approach (a negative one).

In life we will be in control of so many different aspects of ourselves, we will have the ability to choose who and why we care for people. But in life you will not always have control who will and will not have regular interactions with you. There will be people we do not like around us, and that is a cultural fact. Learn to love them for who they are and how God created them. God allows for us to make choices and adapt. This is greatly because of our relationships with others, we have the ability to get along with and enjoy everyone ever created. IF that is the path you choose. And believe me when I say, that is the path of the successful, the path of the friendly, the path of a person people genuinely want to be around.