I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

I choose not to believe... I choose to hide emotional depth.... i've chosen to be alone

Three statements, three personal ways of life, three reasons.

as i look in my life ad into others its simple to see that there will always be a level judgement, opinion, rumors, etc. basically there will always be issues amongst friends and strangers that deals with one person believing something about the other. As a blunt example; on person being straight but his friend believing him to be gay, its a distant example but it is the point i'm stressing. My mind i personally believe to not be like most men i know. i believe everyones is vastly different, and mine happens to work in a way that has deep emotional thought always on the table. i am an expert with masking true thoughts and emotions, i am an expert liar. I've found that if i hide certain emotions will remain safe from otherwise inevitable pain. and through this life choice i have made, i have made the two decisions above; i choose not to believe and to be alone. i have chosen not to believe in the complete trust of others (there are SOME people i do confide in, but the number is smaller than it used to be). also i have chosen not to believe in the statements made by others in my life pertaining to me. not as a whole, but as a few small areas. enjoy life to the fullest most of the time, i love to the fullest at all times, and i am far more knowledgeable in life than people have come to realize. you see when you don't stress your knowledge and act like you have a lack of it, simple because than people don't care if you do poorly in class. they will only believe you to be a fool. if you live life even differently then they do they tend to consider that a very strange and more importantly wrong thing to do.

all this rambling leads to a very important realization to my life. I know who i am and what i am capable of. i know the greatness i will achieve in my life and in the Lord. I know that i will make the people around me proud to be called my friend, as i will be proud to stand upon their shoulders. because of all this i will shed the wait of others and their words that hinder me. i am not perfect and i am not finished learning/growing. but i am finished being labeled as "less-than" and finished being considered inept. for those who see my life as unorthodox i will no longer be hurt by your words of discouragement. instead i will welcome the criticism as a compliment, as knowledge of the difference in living i have taken on. how can we expect to reach the mountain top when there is a line of people all progressing the same way up the hill. i will forge my way to the top through the difference you call "me."

even though i've slowly found a way off my original topic i've found that another has come up from it. i want people to realize the importance to accept people and their alternative ways of living...... BUT!!! don't go taking my words to accept foolish actions of sin and false gods. i mean alternate ways of living; personalities, thought processes, etc.

My father forged his own path and now has people following his path. he casts a shadow that is tall, dark, and dreary. but as proof of my promise i say here. i will forge a path worth of what i call greatness and of God's plans for me. i will show him what he has raised and that i have more within me than realized by others. My grandma saw it, and i believe my dads acknowledges it.... despite his hidden words on the subject.

Time to drop the yuck onto paper and move on to a positive perspective

Take a moment to look through your past and the friends you've had through the years. can you genuinely think of ONE person that you enjoyed being with when all they did was be negative and depressed?? no one is lifted up by someone who is always down, simply does not work that way. which is why this is my last post on the rough aspects of life, i'm laying it out to forget about it. from then on i'll be writing from a different type of view, it'll be beneficial to me to do so.

i've been thinking for close to a half a year now how to mend the broken friendships of a life. fix what was so broken that it has yet to be fixed. my friends are the people i hold most dear to my heart and when a friendship is lost.... i become lost, very simple to understand. in life is it best to fix any and all relationships despite their natural value to us?? or is there times that we need to move on from our past and accept that not everyone can potentially co-exist in friendships or relationships. these questions will hit me each time i see a person that has been lost form my daily life. if i was the final decision maker in the scenario i wouldn't let a friendship that was once so valuable to be lost so easily. but in the end i've come to the conclusion that i will always be in control of my feelings, emotions, actions, etc.... but there will never be a moment in my God given life that i will control these things in another person. with this knowledge i must move on from the past, and drive myself into a new future, new relationships are to be made, new memories to be created.

Time and time again we see relationships come and go, time and time again we see people become involved with flings. now there is no saying that relationships are bad or sinful, that i could just never say. but what of flings, what about the people who engage in a physical relationship without the emotional connection that is given through a dating relationship. are they wrong to do so, or is there a deeper reason for actions such as these. i have a viewpoint on it, as usual. is it possible that although the flings are unhealthy and complicated, that they still have their place in a persons life. that there are still reasons for why i person would do this besides getting "some." I argue that a person does not get involved in flings because of the physical gratification (a majority, but some certain just want "play"). i believe that when a person feels down and lost with the emotional dating relationships that they will change into a fling type lifestyle. its simple really, you gain the emotion of feeling wanted and cared for, that you matter and have something to offer other people in your life and the opposite sex. it is a solution to fulfilling a lack of these feelings offered from a relationship.

but those are the positive aspects, there's negatives to these such acts. the positive emotions gained are short lived, they last about as long as a smoking addict without a cigaret fix. during the time with a person you feel better and happier, same while your in communication with the,. but when communication hits a break, it ends, one or the other moves on, etc... the feelings will disperse and you will be worse off than you we're before. you will find yourself further lost and confused than you had initially intended to find yourself to feel. if there was anything i learned through the flings i've experienced and the relationships i've had come and go... its simply that we cannot allow ourselves to be defined by the beliefs and opinions of others. they are simply human and what they say or think has no bearing on who we are as people. become stronger in yourself and in the Lord. because when you gain the self confidence offered through identity in self and Lord, you will find yourself no longer in need of affirmation from the opposite sex of friends (though keep in mind compliments from friends are not bad and neither is criticism, just don't let them DEFINE you).

thats my blog for now.... btw if anyone wants a great new musical artist, check out Blake Bollinger.

First day back, no one skips a beat

stroll in with back pack ready and mentally set for a new year of school. its not hard to imagine the appearance...

large bright commons with coffee shops and tables that fill the room. students grouped together, computers open and ipods rolling. in a sea of people you wouldn't expect the feeling of being alone.... lonely. now i'm not saying that i'm depressed and lonely. but i am saying that it feels like i shouldn't be back in school yet, its a full year at my door step and i'm not ready to open the door yet. the feeling of being lonely is directly a result of everyone seeming so ready and excited for their classes and the year at hand. i'm lost in my emotions towards school and even more towards where i should take my life this year..... where i should try to grow and change the most.

the best i can do and the most i can hope for on this first day back is relatively simple. that i stay true to myself and never compromise myself and my reputation for the sake of something less. that i push myself to the fullest of my ability in my classes. and finally that i learn to take my life in the path that will best benefit me and God's plan/intentions for me. these are my hopes, these are my dreams, these are my prayers.